What a trip.

It's funny how the older you get, the faster time seems to go by. In a few short months, I'll be halfway done with my college career. And then even fewer months after that, I'll be on my way to South Africa where I will be spending four months And I find that so incredibly hard to believe. How is it possible that I've almost completed four semesters of college already? How is it that I'm going to be turning 20 soon? How is it that I'm going to be spending four months in another country halway across the world? This is all just so crazy.

Everything is changing so quickly, time is flying by and I find it hard to keep up sometimes. It seems that whenever I think of the future, it feels like life is happening so quickly, yet whenever I reflect on the past, everything feels so far away. Freshman year feels like so long ago because things have changed so much since then, but I feel like this year has gone by so fast. I suppose because so much has changed, the past feels distant, but since things are changing quickly, life feels like it's on fast forward.

When I reflect back on my life so far, I feel like I've done a lot, but I also feel like there's a lot I haven't done. There's so many things I have to look forward to, but there's also a lot of things I've already experienced that a lot of people haven't. I'm at this point in my life where I feel like anything can happen and I honestly can't wait to see what God has in store for me. I can really say I have no idea where I'll be in two years and that is such an exciting (and sometimes scary and overwhelming) thing.

I love this feeling of possibility. There are so many possibilities for my life from this moment on. It is a possibility that I may be living and working in another country two years from now. It is a possibility that I'll still be going to school in San Diego two years from now. It's a possibility that I may be living in Washington D.C. doing an internship. I suppose it's even a possibility that I could be married two years from now.

I really don't know where my life is going and that is so exciting. I just can't wait to see where I'll end up, especially when I consider my life so far and consider where I'll be in five months. My life has already been so exciting and I hope it will continue to be so.

Looking at things from a different perspective

This past weekend I went to visit my cousins up near Los Angeles. I knew it wasn't going to be very exciting (but a pleasant visit nonetheless) and I could probably do more exciting things at school, but I felt like I just needed to get away for a few days and look at this situation from a different perspective.

This semester has just been really strange and for the most part I've just felt like I didn't want to be here, which is such a contrast to last year. I couldn't even imagine not loving this place at this time last year and yet here I am, wishing I was anywhere but here most days. In my head, I pictured this semester being so much fun rooming with one of my best friends here and just enjoying spending time and hanging out with the friends I got to know so well last year. But it has turned out that this year is not at all how I expected. Instead of rooming with one of my best friends, I find that I'm rooming with someone who used to be one of my best friends and that just makes me sad and not want to be here.

I understand that life is difficult for her right now with everything that she's dealing with, but sometimes it's hard to be so understanding when all I want sometimes is to just talk and laugh and hang out with my best friend. Instead, I find that we don't hang out and we don't laugh and most of the time, we don't even talk.

I guess you could say that this semester has just been a disappointment. I'm disappointed that everyone seems to be off doing their own seperate things and we're just not a group of friends anymore. We're just people that see each other in passing and sometimes have a meal together to "catch up." When did we become those kinds of friends?

Another part of me is also jealous that everyone has their own busy life and I just don't seem to have that. Instead I'm just going through the motions of life without being noticed by anyone. I honestly feel like no one even knows I exist here. I know that is my own fault for not putting myself out there, but just once I want someone to notice that I do exist.

And I want someone with whom I can just share life because I feel like I don't have a person, ya know? I don't have a person that would be willing to just drop everything and come be with me just because they want to. I want someone who will just go on stupid, silly adventures with me and someone who is there to talk about anything and everything.

I guess what it comes down to ultimately is that I'm just lonely and I shouldn't feel so lonely in a place with so many people, but I don't know how to just ..be noticed.

A short trip into the past

These are blog entries that were posted on a blog I created when I couldn't remember the username or password for this blog. The purpose is to fill in the gap between the latest entries, even if these are still from a year ago.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Here it goes.

I have decided that I quite enjoy college. Right now, I feel like I never want to leave. I am happy here. In fact, this is the happiest I've felt since I've moved to California and for the first time in my life, I know that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. There is not one doubt in my mind that I made the right choice in coming to this school.

There's so much opportunity for me here and I feel like by the time I graduate I will have really found myself and set for myself strong morals and beliefs. I definitely was not expecting to have my beliefs challenged in this way. The professors honestly force us to question things that we've always believed and encourage us to figure things out for ourselves. They want us to go on this quest for truth, and I feel like I am able to do that and actually find it.

I don't want to just blindly follow things I've been told, but I want to figure out what is true on my own. There are things that I need to discover here. I was definitely not expecting to feel this way, but I'm glad that I do.

I just..I can't wait. I'm so excited for the things that are going to happen over the next four years. I know I'm going to change. I'm going to change a lot. I'm going to meet some amazing people who will lead me to discover amazing things. I'm probably going to meet some crazy people who will lead me to discover crazy things. So many things are going to happen that are going to change me in some ways and I am so ready.

I feel like this is the time when my life is really starting. This is the life I've been waiting for and I couldn't be more excited that it's here. I've just been going through the motions of life up until this point in my life, but now I'm ready to live. I'm ready to become a different person who's not afraid to try new things and just..discover life.

There's an entire world out there and I am ready to discover it.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

There's no place like home.

I am completely ready for Thanksgiving break to be here now. I just took my last midterm today and I am slightly exhausted. I need a break from school work. Badly. Although, I really don't want to leave Loma. Yeah, thanksgiving break is only a few days, but I feel like I'm really going to miss being at school/my new home.

It's so strange to me how quickly my dorm became my home. At the end of the day when I just come back to my room and chill, I feel the sense of relief that I feel when I get home after a long day's work. My dorm room became my comfort room so quickly, which I suppose I should be used to since I've moved so much I'm able to adjust more quickly, but I guess I just wasn't expecting that from a place where so many other people live. Because it's not just my room that's my home, but it's the whole hall.

Maybe I have this strong attachment here because this is my only room since my mom moved into another house after I came here, so there isn't that familiar place to go back to. This is my familiar place. This is my home, but I also call where my mom lives my home. And I call Pennsylvania my home.

Having a "home" is kind of a complicated concept when you think about it. I mean, most people have a few places they can call home, so "home" isn't just where you live, but it's the places where you're surrounded by people and things you love.


And so I return to the art of blogging once again..

Again, it has been ages since I've posted. I seem to go through phases where I'll post a blog every day and then I won't post for months at a time until I realize how much I love doing this and how helpful it is to just write down some of the thousands of thoughts that cross my mind in a day.

I mostly seem to post when things in my life are just really complicated or confusing and I simply just need a place to write it all down so I can try to simplify or understand the situation. I know that I am basically writing to no one and sometimes I'm just writing to myself and that's okay because this is for me. This is me just trying to figure out life and how to live this life because for the most part, none of us have any clue what we're doing.

We all live our lives just trying to figure out how to live life. We all want to find meaning and purpose and love and we just want to experience and learn and understand and grow in the best ways we know how. And when it comes down to it, it's that desire to do those things that makes our lives what they are. The more we push ouselves to fulfill that desire, the more satisfaction we'll get out of life.

I suppose my hope for this blog is for it to be a record of my journey through fulfilling that desire, through all the highs and all the lows and of those there will be many, I'm sure. Another goal for this blog is for me to be as honest as possible because I feel that honesty is the key to living a good life. We should be honest with each other because when we are, that is when we start to discover the meaning of life with other people. When we're honest with each other, we discover that we are definitely not alone in this world. We are all just people trying to live life together.

And that, my friend, is a beautiful thing.

As I'm sure i've stated many times before in this blog, I do hope that I continue to write, but life does get busy and it is easy to feel like I just don't ha\ve time to do this, but I hope that I do find the time because I want to be able to trace my journey of life through this blog.

It's a nice thing to be able to see my progress as a person. Life is teaching me a lot and I want to remember the things that life has taught me and hopefully, this blog will assist me with my memory.

Until tomorrow, my friend.

Neglected. AGAIN.

Right. So, I just reread this entire blog. And once again, I must say a lot has changed since I've last written in here. It's been an entire summer and a month since I've last updated, which naturally means I've got lots to write about. Although, I'm not sure I can really sum up all this time in one blog entry. In fact, I'm not sure I can really put any of it into adequate words. But, alas, I will try.

So, I suppose I will begin with graduation.

Uh. So. I, uh, graduated. That pretty much sums up that experience. Honestly, it wasn't exactly memorable. There really wasn't any of that bittersweetness because I met my classmates the day of my graduation. I wasn't at all sad at leaving highschool. I went through all those feelings the previous year. For me, graduation was just something I did for my mom. She wanted to see at elast one of her children participate in a high school graduation..So I did. The biggest problem came with the people I lived with. Lots of family drama over who all was going to come, who was going in which car, blah, blah. The only person I wanted to come..didn't. I didn't really mind so much because I didn't want to go myself, but it would have made it much more bearable had she been there, but what's done is done.

Let's move on to a more cheerful topic, eh? My youth pastor's wife took the girl seniors on a trip to Palm Springs. It was definitely an interesting trip. Palm Springs is a very interesting place full of very interesting people and interesting weather. Seriously. Hottest weather EVER. It was about 110 degress the entire time. The only thing I remember doing is going to nice restruants. So, again, not so memorable. But I'm still glad I went.

A few days before leaving on this senior trip, my mom and I moved into another house. I'm not so sure this was the best idea we ever had because we decided to move into the house of my uncle's wife's brother. So, still in the family. But we each had our own rooms and there was a pool, so it didn't turn out so bad, actually. Plus, we didn't see much of the guy we lived with. He had the entire upstairs of the house to himself, so we rarely saw him.

I feel weird writing this blog because I usually don't write so much about what's been going on so much as just write about what's going on in my head, but i feel like I need to update about what's been going on. Although, again, no one really reads this. So, I suppose I'm just writing this for myself. I need to write out and see what all has happened. Makes it seem like I've actually been busy. When, in reality, I haven't been busy at all.

Anyway, back to my story of..life. After moving in and spending most of my days in the pool, I started spending most of my days at church, helping with random church events. I became friends with lots of old people. Those were good days.

I then went to summer camp. That was..not as much fun as it could have been because two days into it and before I really got to do any of the activities I wanted to do, I sprained my ankle. How very typical of my silly, clumsy self. It swelled to almost three times it's normal size, turned many fun colors, and hurt SO BAD. I could really walk for a day or two. That was not so much fun. Espeically considering I had no crutches and walking up and down hills all the time kind of made it worse. But, at least, it was, you know, memorable. I will definitely not forget Summer Camp '09, for sure.

While I was at camp, I got a call from TeAndra saying she just bought plane tickets to come visit me in two weeks. (we'd been talking about doing this all summer. she finally decided to actually go through with it.) This made me verrrrry excited. I came home from camp and did nothing but relax and be lazy (prettymuch) until TeAndra came to visit.

Now, I should have been very excited when she came. But, for some reason, I was felt less excited and more obligated to entertain her. I just felt like we didn't have anything in common. We didn't just click like we used to. I suppose that's just a part of growing up, though. I'm glad we got to spend the time together and I don't have any regrets.

And now on to the exciting part. I moved into college and have now officially been here for a month. i am having the time of my life here and am incredibly glad I made the decision to come here. I know for a fact that this is the place I'm supposed to be. I've met some amazing people and I've learned so many things.

In fact, I think I've learned more in the past month here than I did in my fours years of highschool combined.

It feels so good to be here and I'm adjusting to this life better than I thought I would. I always knew that college would be the best years of my life, but I didn't know it would be so easy to adjust to it. I was insanely nervous the day I moved in, but my nerves quickly went away after spending the first night here and getting to know some of my fellow classmates.

I will try to update this blog as often as I can. (Hmm. I think we've heard this statement before..)

Also, I've started another blog, which will relate my journey to participating in Semester at Sea (www.girlbookaholic.blogspot.com)

And now, goodnight!

Ah, Sweet Summer.

 I have a feeling this is going to be a really good summer. I've got a lot of fun things planned and I'm FREAKING EXCITED.

I'm trying to work out a way for a few friend to come and visit for a week. Now that I've got a place for them to stay and a pool for something to do..I think it might work. And I really, really need to spend time with TeAndra. We didn't get to spend too much time together when I went to Pa and I missss herrrrr. So, if no one else can come, I'll be extremely happy if she can.

That would just really make my summer perfect. The only issue being money. Plane tickets are ridiculously expensive these days. I guess if I want this to work, then I'm going to have to do lots of babysitting...Yay. =/

But. It'll be worth it. Totally worth it.

Actually. I think I'm going to go look for plane tickets now. And then figure out how many kids I have to babysit.

I'm a slacker.

I always seem to forget about this blog. I check this thing once a week. Maybe. And I rarely actually post something on here.

I guess I really don't have much to write about these days. I mean, it's not like I don't have time. I do have time. I've got too much time, actually.

Except for today, though. I have to go to church. Like now.

So. This would be the first short blog entry of mine.

But I feel like I need to keep up with Charlie. =p


So, I went to Prom last week.

And it was pretty much AMAZING.

Well, the weekend after was what really made it amazing, but none the less, i still had a great time. Which is more than most people can say because there are so many expectations for that night and it can never live up to those expectations. I had honestly never planned on going to prom, so I didn't really have any expectations. I just went in hoping it wouldn't be too terrible. And it wasn't terrible at all.

I think I can say it will be a night I'll never forget. It was really the last time I'll ever be at the same place at the same time with the same people. I mean, there's a chance I may never see any of those people again. Which, ya know, kinda sucks. But it is inevitable, simply a part of life. I mean, I'm going to miss them like CRAZY, as I do now. I think I might miss them more now that I got to see everyone again and I had so much fun, I really didn't want to leave. I really want to go back this summer, but plane tickets are SUPER expensive right now. So, I don't know if I'll be able to make it back. Which makes me super bummed. I didn't get the chance to say a proper goodbye to a lot of people (Charlie, you being one of them =( ). If I can figure out a way to get the money to come back, I definitely will. And this time I'll have a goodbye party. And it'll be awesome. =)

But, for now, I've got graduation to look forward to. Finals are quickly approaching and I could not be more stoked. The last finals of my high school career. FINALLY. I'm really not going to miss any of this. Although, I pretty much have to do the same thing all over again in the next four years. But I'll actually be learning something useful. Which will be a nice change.

Sigh. Life is good.

Prom is not less than two weeks away. White Tie Affair and Forever the Sickest Kids concert is two weeks from today. Graudation is a little over a month away.

I could honestly not be more excited than I am right now.

And also, I have a pretty amazing summer planned.

All these things almost make me forget my incredibly annoying living situation right now. Almost.

If it wasn't for all the crazy things coming up over the next few weeks, I would probably be pulling my hair out right now. But. I'm handling it in a very calm manner. Barely.

I am instead trying to ignore the fact that my immature, bratty, selfish, spoiled 13-year-old cousin decided to bring home a puppy today after I very clearly told her I really don't like dogs and will do anything I can to find a way to move out if she got one. Not that I don't like dogs. I just don't want to take care of one right now because I have so much else going on, I really don't have the time to deal with taking care of a new puppy.

I already told her the puppy is not allowed in our room. But that rule will pretty much go out the window when I'm in PA. Which sucks.

And since she's so nicely decided to make my life significantly more complicated, I decided I'm just not going to talk to her. I'm not going to help her with her math homework, either. And I'm going to laugh when she starts failing her classes because she doesn't have time to do her homework since she'll be too busy taking care of her puppy. Laugh. LOUDLY. IN HER FREAKING FACE.

And this is just today's problems. I could also tell you about the rest of my crazy family, but I will spare you the details. And plus, despite the crazy family I'm living with, I'm still happy right now =) And it's just not worth complaining about such silly things.

Because I'm going to college soon. And I'm going to PA soon. And it's all going to be really lovely.

Lovely, lovely. =)
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Hello, fellow bloggers. =)

I'm turning 18 in a week and a half.

I am VERY excited about this. Seriously. You have no idea.

Although, I'm not really sure why I'm excited about this. Maybe because people are always asking me how old I am and when I respond with "17," they say, "Oh, I'm sorry you have to be 18 years or older to do this." 

That is really rather annoying considering I'm SO close to being 18 years or older.

I guess that's something to be excited about, right?

Another reason to be excited about turning 18 [well, for me] is the fact that my mom is taking me to San Diego next week to celebrate. And also, to visit the college I'm going to next year, but that is also something to be excited about whether it's on my birthday or not.

And also, after San Diego, I'm going to LA to serve at the mission again with my youth group. Which was such an amazing experience and I really CANNOT wait to do it again.

And then after all that, it'll actually be the day of my birthday and my family will be taking me out for lunch.

So, pretty much the best [long] weekend next week. It's going to rock. =)

Anddd I've got a fun summer ahead of me, too. Plus, prom before that. And then I'm going to college.

There's just so many things to look forward to after the new, well, year, I guess. And I honestly could not be more excited. Gaaaah. FINALLY things are turning around for me. I just wish I hadn't wasted these last months whining and complaining about nothing. Because it turns out that I belong here more than I originally thought. I'm quite content here and I'm going to be a little sad to leave when I go to visit PA, even though it is only for a few days. I'm also going to miss it when I going to school next year, but I'm close to enough to visit often.

I just never really thought I end up missing this place. Before I wanted nothing more than to not be here. Funny how things can change so quickly, eh?

I was just completely blind to the reason of my being here, but now I'm starting to see God's reasoning a bit more clearly. Too bad I hadn't seen it sooner, but I suppose there's a reason for that, too, right?